Dating Advice, Gay and Single Forever?

Gay and Single … Forever?

We recently sat down with Dennis Schleicher, author of Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-Mail Diaries (A true story based on his own experience) He shared his advice on how to revisit your notions of love and attraction and how to find a lasting romance. Here's the scoop.

Q: So does every married so-called straight man need a lifelong gay partner?

A: It's important to mention that I've talked with many married closeted men pretending to be straight living The All-American heterosexual lifestyle and others who happy just being single. One can be single and happy, possibly forever. That's not to say there aren't highs and lows, but there are highs and lows in relationships, partnerships and marriages as well. What these happy and single gay men had in common when I did my research was a sense of acceptance of themselves as they were, rather than feeling pressure to change. They had close friendships, families of choice, and a sense that in their aging years they were complete as they were, and were not interested in the often exhausting pursuit of "Mr. Right." In a sense, they "give in" as opposed to what many people might consider "giving up."

Q: Why do some gay men find themselves perpetually single?

A: Here's my opinion: In our culture, men are socialized at a very young age not to trust or be close with other men, because it's too gay and not "masculine." Gay men can be further wounded because we actually are gay and may wind up having to suppress those desires for a time. Then once we do come out, we're suddenly expected to be able to put aside all the distrust we have for guys, open up to them, trust them, make ourselves vulnerable… Quite often we just wind up hurting each other, which adds further baggage to the pile. Also, in a relationship, one person usually gives up more of his identity for the other. People like to pretend that relationships are a marriage of two equals, but this is rarely the case. Someone has to give more than the other, and when it's two guys, there's less chance of one of them giving up some of his identity, which makes developing a relationship hard.

Q: When looking for a boyfriend, are there any "warning signs" men should look out for in potential partners?

A: Every man has a list of "red flags" that turns him off. A couple of mine are substance abuse and lack of ambition. If a guy only talks about himself and never asks about me, that's a major turn-off too. And if I'm not keen on his friends, I wonder if I can really be keen on the guy himself or if it's short-term infatuation. OK, now, while many of these red-flag behaviors may be legitimate turn-offs, I caution gay men about giving up too quickly. If you go on a date, I really think the only thing you should be asking yourself afterwards is if you like the guy enough to go on a second date. I caution against worrying about sexual chemistry, which sometimes needs to develop over time or whether you think he's got husband potential. You've only been on one date for crying out loud! Chill!

Tell Dennis What You Think???

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Comments

[I have been dating a gay married bi man, I'm now in trouble?]

"I have been dating a bi-married man now in trouble?"
I started dating a bi-married man who is much older than me and lives half the world away from me. We met when he was visiting Australia with business and we both fell for each other. Now after 9 months of talking and emailing everyday I feel the need for some committment which he hesitating to give. He does not want to come out to his wife as he is scared of being hated by everyone. At the same time he has been laching on to me as i am his only gay connection. I find myself drained and exhausted. What should I do? Love some help. Thanks.

[I have been dating a gay married bi man, I'm now in trouble?]

I hate that you allowed yourself to get involve with a married man. Now that you are you have to understand the consequence that he will be taking by solely involving his self with you especially if there are kids involved. Also YOU have to think since you are miles away are you just his toy (don't take this as me being rude) he could just be using you for his pleasure, it is something for you to think of seriously. Why should you hold yourself from sharing a deep love with someone else because his marriage if you truly cares for you. One more thing for you to think on...if he is married and loves his wife (and treating her as such) how and what would he treat you like? Good luck with finding your true love.

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